A Holy Spirit

A Holy Spirit

For a while now I've been grappling with my past, contemplating memories about spirituality. 

About a month and a half ago I dreamt vividly about a church. I looked up at it feeling power sunk to this massive building tangling my views on spirituality or god. Questioning my logic, I walked into the church but not like a mindset I have today, one similar to my mind as a teenager, where I'm unhappy and need saving. As I walk in, I stare heavily at the darkness around the church. The building is black and I'm anxious at what awaits. I look up before I enter a light passes through shimmering the tall point above the building. I witness a still moment in the corner of my eye so I level my glance to a room filled with people wearing black. There is darkness, shadows cover the faces of the people around me. I know them. I greet them, as though I too am a shadow hidden facade. I walk to find a seat. Grimaces in the crowd grow. I look for the walls they're white although they appear coffee ring stain beige because of how dim the lighting is. My eyes follow the dark walls to the ceiling where a Thrayben Gargoyle watches over us atop an elegant vintage wood stained beam. I glide distracted of my surroundings to a seat I was steered to unknowingly. I remove a dark chitinous cloak from myself and lay it on the chair behind me as I do I begin to hear "ooh's and ahh's" coming from the stage. Almost instantly my attention is fully aware I am in a church and the worship team is gently serenading the audience as we all settle into a spot. We hush one another awaiting evolving wilds. I watch the individuals around me as their moods lighten and with the stage so bright all the faces light. The brightness fills the room consuming each shadow and each person to a white light. Limitless music escalates.
I awake.

Space

At age four, I fell in love with the galaxy.
No matter where we went it seemed like these stars were following us,
leading us to our destiny.

The sliver impacted my dreams.
Keeping my insomnia company.
Raging waters warmed with rays.
Moon rays.
Twinkles of hope dispersed throughout all.

No need to fall into darkness. 

The galaxy lives.

Hollow Pits

Hollow Pits by Isabel Meza Darkness swarms from the pits of the bellow consuming the path visions unclear faded. It’s as though night fell when the swarm invaded. The tomb draws near as gasps draw directly from the pit. Crawling beneath the ground masking fear unknown empty hope filled denial. Unworthy forsaken burden. Hidden are truths behind cloaked anguish.

Just a thought.

I find myself remembering the status-quo of my past way too often. It's a scent and it takes me back, way back. And then I'm trapped longing to remember more, I inhale deeper and live the moment in my mind as I'm trying to live in the present. I get lost in the nostalgia of my young but long life sometimes. My senses are alive but they rarely allow me to recognize the importance of now, more often, they catapult me into yesterday.

Friday nights I drive through a town that is filled with history. Although it is an old battle born city, their history isn't what I think of. The streets I choose to drive on are along some of the places I once lived. Park street was where I became a fearful child. I lived there for three years. Which at the time was the longest we had stayed put anywhere seeing as my childhood was unfortunately nomadic. In that apartment complex we resided in two separate apartments and in each different lives were had. I've yet to step onto the property pushed away by fear, but I am tempted. As I travel I pass an even earlier childhood home lone mountain. In high school I discovered that one's drag name is of the first street they lived on and their first pet. Call me Panda Lone Mountain. This residence is where my siblings and I were babies and forever left with the haunting memories of abandonment as I drive by. At the corner lies a preschool though it wasn't always a typical preschool. It once was a Montessori school for students k-8. Awkwardly as it sounds the age range dynamic did make a difference on our education especially because it was Christian faith based. Praying to Jesus before class started was quite an experience. It makes sense that I never developed social intelligence attending a private school whilst moving around a lot. The drive inflames several different inquires but I continue to take the same path regardless.

I used to be afraid of my memories. They brought pain and hurt, but no longer. Today I grasp a memory for as long as it can last. I crave to know what my mind remembers because when I tell people about the memories my 3 year old self captured they envy me. Little do they know that I envy them. It would be nice to follow my journey and live for each moment without being reminded of another.

Flying Tin

by Isabel Meza

Soaring lightly 

an effortless flight.

The tin released from a palm

out into the world.

Traffic proceeds.

As it, this tin, swivels and churns by 

Gusts produced by the dark tar path ignite. 

With no purpose to uphold

the tin lies there alongside a family.

More litter on this road.

June 6th, 12
I saw the date and it shocked me. 6 years ago, to the day, I graduated middle school. It just happened, still feels fresh. I remember then i always wanted to be older shouting at my mother on several occasions "I can't wait to move out! I'm never coming back". Aha funny memories as I went through puberty. Now I catch myself wondering why did I have to grow up? Adulthood hasn't been kind to me my first year on my own (living with an aunt in another state.. haha). In fact I wish to be young again and tell that little rebel to cut the shit you got time focus on school. However, that is not the case. Rather, I went through the years on an average level meeting the bare criteria to make it to the finish line of becoming a grown up. If I had known how challenging everything is I would have listened when teachers said crap like do good now and you'll have a better future.. That was the problem, future, in the land of dreams my options are limitless. My youth was about getting nearer to the dangers of adulthood, not the knowledge it offered in order to be a success. Idealizing programs that were of materialism and objectifying yourself. Nip/tuck was and still is a fantastic TV show but to have it installed into my brain at such a young age defeated me of self esteem at that age, even though now re watching the series i realize it was about seeing beauty within as well, right? Shows have a different meaning as we age. I used to love staying up late to watch Sex and the City back then and I'd think to myself i can't wait to 'do it'. Live on the impulse and fall in love. The show doesn't mention that when you 'do it' (then mindset) you get feelings for people. It's a connection, a true bonding experience. Its so thrilling right? Well no! Feelings suck. Then there's the fantasy of alcohol or reality TV! It upsets me that i got hooked to crap like that as a kid and it worked its way in. Now my adulthood has been filled with false logic. I can't do math but i know how to cure an overdose before it takes control.. Just puke. I guess what I'm saying is 'adulhood you have to be this naive to continue learning the proper way to be an adult'. Wisdom here I come!